Pharmacy Relations

I don't know about you, but in my line of work, it's important to be happy.
-Raoul Duke

Contained herein is a set of instructions for the burgeoning pharmacist. Or, even an experienced one looking for guidance. A day in the life of a retail pharmacist is not easy at best and downright horrible at worst. Many of the hardships and difficulties a pharmacist encounters throughout his or her workday involve the patient/customer (depending upon how you look at them). This article is a guide on how to avoid them.

I sound like an asshole, right? I pose to you a question: When you enter a pharmacy, would you like to wait a short or long amount of time for your prescription? I think the answer is obvious. Then realize this: the more people I talk to throughout the day is directly proportional to how long your prescription takes to get filled. I propose a simple formula:

2x = t

x = the number of people in the store that engage me in conversation
t (minutes) = the amount of time it takes to fill your Rx

Now who's the asshole? That's right. The person that's asking me to find the mustache wax for them. I actually got asked that the other day. I tried to be polite, but I usually fail. On to the instructions...

1. Avoid all eye contact
Sounds easy, right? Wrong. The human eye is naturally drawn to movement and activity. Training yourself out of this goes against millions of years of evolution and is actually very difficult to do. However, after being surrounded by knuckle dragging troglodytes for 8-14 hours every day, you'll find yourself to be rather adept at it.

Avoiding eye contact keeps you disengaged from a potential threat. If you meet eyes with a person, you're acknowledging their presence. This is a mistake. It leads them to believe that you would like to engage them in conversation when in fact you don't even have time to void your bladder let alone tell them where the new Brittany Spears CD is.

2. Behave boorishly
Being rude is actually easier than it sounds. I guess it's a little like murder: it gets easier every time you do it. Whether it's an off color comment, suggestive hand gesture or outright insult you can be sure there's no easier way to dispatch an unwelcome assailant. Here's a few examples:

Patron: Where is (x)?
Me: (gesturing towards my name tag which states my title as pharmacist) I don't stock the shelves. I do not know where that is located.

Patron: The bathroom is out of toilet paper!
Me: (extending palm) Talk to the hand, bitch.

This next one is a classic. I call it The Finger, although it's not the one you're thinking of. I use it when people approach the consultation window (which is adjacent to my workstation) and interrupt me while I'm checking a script. They don't even greet me, or make an introduction, they just start of with their question as such:

Patron: So on TV the other day I saw this new weight loss thing...
At this point, I give them The Finger. I do not make eye contact, I do not speak to them, I merely extend my arm, then extend my index finger and say:
Me: I'm in the middle of something. Please be patient.

I absolutely love that last one. It puts most people off so much that they just walk away.

3. Hide
My workstation is at the front of the pharmacy next to the 'consultation' window. This means people can approach me and have direct contact if they so desire. However, there is a wall in front of me that is about 5 feet high. I've discovered that if i seat myself on a short stool in front of my computer that I'm mostly hidden from the milling crowds in front of the pharmacy. This becomes superior even to tactic number 1. If people don't see me, they can't bother me. Perfect. Other ways to hide are to go to the bathroom or leave the pharmacy and attempt to blend in with other patrons. Of course, you must first remove your lab coat or you're dead in the water. Come on, rookie.

4. Pretend to be on the phone
This one is a no brainer. Just keep that phone to your ear and pretend to yell at that insurance agent that you actually were yelling at a half hour ago.

5. Just ignore them
That's right. Sometimes all it takes is a simple denial of existence to alienate some asshole. Hey, for all they know, I could be deaf.

6. The bitch slap
Wind up, take aim, and deliver your pharmacy wrath right across that intruders cheek. Yell "Pow, biatch!" for full effect. Remember, this tactic can earn you a court date if not used with discretion.

7. The tech pick
Just like basketball. A quick dash behind one of your technicians will put them between you and the blue haired old lady who spends 4 minutes trying to say lisinopril.

There you have it. By choosing any one of these behaviors you can be sure that your next day at work will be a more productive one. These simple techniques are very effective in the pharmacy, but by no means need be restricted to there. They can be used in many everyday situations, from dealing with an annoying coworker to avoiding a friend or loved one. Use your imagination.