Dream

Last night I dreamed that there was a more dire need for pharmacists than ever before... in space. I signed up without hesitation. I was real sad to be leaving my family and friends, but I guess I needed to see how long Martians thought they should have to wait for their script.

I also dreamed that I drove my car into a lake and nearly drowned escaping. When my mom paid to have it rescued for me, the rescue crew returned a pile of corpses instead of my car.

I also dreamed a kitty latched onto me with it's claws and would not let go.

I have no idea.

Spiffy Sleeps In; Receives Boon

I slept in today. Glorious. The problem with sleeping in today was that I was scheduled to open the pharmacy at 8 AM. I got a call from my store manager at 8:15 AM.

Manager: Spiffy, who's at the pharmacy this morning? We don't have a pharmacist.
Me: Huh? Wait... What?

It took a few seconds to clear the cobwebs, but I soon realized that I had made a small temporal error. My schedule got rearranged 3 times this week, and I apparently forgot to update my calendar for the last one.

Me: Shit. Shit shit shit. I'll be right there.

As I reside very close to my Apothecary Kingdom, I was able to shower, dress, and be there in 15 minutes. I had the pharmacy open by 8:30, which I thought was admirable. The day went by without much incident. The day manager stated a few complaints about the pharmacy not being open on time, which I expected.

What unfolded later on in the day was decidedly unexpected. I left work at 4 PM and received a call from Giggles at 4:30. I figured the pharmacy opening a half hour late for the first time in a year wouldn't be a big deal. Apparently, my patients don't seem to think so.

Giggles: Spiffy, YourBoss just called and said corporate has gotten like 5 complaints about the pharmacy opening late this morning. One of them was from TheAsshole, and he's threatening to transfer his scripts or something.
Me: Really? Sweet!

Let me tell you about TheAsshole. He comes to the drive through on a weekly basis. He drops off new prescriptions and expects to sit there at the drive through until they're finished. When you explain to him that the drive through is only for the purpose of dropping off scripts and picking them up, he goes into a fit of histrionics that would make a 13 year old girl jealous. He treats everyone at the pharmacy like his personal servant.

As for the complaints, I'm baffled. In the first half hour my pharmacy is open, I almost never see 5 people total. As far as complaints go, you would figure that maybe 1 in 5 people would actually take the trouble to call corporate to bitch. That would mean that either 25 people came to my pharmacy this morning or all 5 that did called to gripe. I'm just not buying it.

Here's a few samples of the actual complaints that the corporate office received:

1. I stopped at the pharmacy at 8:05 and it was not open. I could not get my medicashin.

Medicashin? Medicashin?!? Forget the medicashin, you nede spelleeng lessunz.

2. The pharmacy was not open on time this morning. Are you closing?

Yes, that's just it. No notification, no official announcement, we're just closing up shop. We've had a good run, though.

I think I need to do this more often. Not only did I get to sleep in, I pissed off TheAsshole enough that he might leave the pharmacy forever. Everybody wins! Well, not everybody, but I do.

Slap Happy

One unifying fact of humans is that they do stupid things when they become intoxicated. By these acts they are entertained.

I went out with some friends last night to a new bar after work on Saturday. The bar itself was really great. It has two sections: one with a live Irish band with tiered seating and another with an old style pub where it's more quiet. The pub section is the sort of place where you can just sit at the bar, drink and be angry. If you're into that sort of thing.

My friends and I were watching the band and trying to drink the place out of whiskey. I kept hearing this loud banging sound at a table behind me and eventually started watching the table to see what was going on.

A group of firemen was occupying the table that seemed to be emitting noises. You could tell they were firemen because they had on these dress uniforms with badges on them. I guess they're the type of dress uniform they wear to formal functions, funerals, or the occasional bar adventure.

I soon learned the source of the auditory disturbance. Keep in mind that the band was fairly loud in this bar, and to be heard you had to yell or get close to the person you were speaking to. The firemen decided it would be a lark to take advantage of this and make a little game for themselves. They poured a big puddle of Guinness on the middle of the table. Whenever two people on the other side leaned far enough in, one of them would slam an open palm right into the middle of the puddle and give them a face-full of the dark stuff.

Not only was this game not fun for the people receiving beer shower, it was not fun to most of the people surrounding the table. I even noticed a few sprinkles of delicious Guinness on my shirt and I was a good 30 feet away from the action. The firemen actually got away with acting like 5 year olds for a good 15 minutes before the bouncers intervened. They were not pleased.

__________________________________

This morning a young woman was standing in front of the pharmacy as I approached to start the day's pill counting action. At my Corpopharm the store opens at 8 AM on Sunday, but the pharmacy doesn't open until 10 AM. I don't bother going in early on Sunday. Once people see someone in the pharmacy they immediately feel the urge to get retarded.

I was not even done unlocking the gate when the girl engaged me.

Girl: Do you sell the morning after pill?
Me: Yes. The pharmacy isn't open yet.
Girl: I know. I just wanted to check!

The girl just stood out front staring at me with this stupid nervous grin on her face as I went about the hallowed ritual of Starting The Apothecary. I kept an eye on her to make sure she wasn't going to attempt an impromptu abortion right then and there.

Normally when people ask me for the morning after pill, I all but make them take it on the spot. After dealing with the mongoloids that I experience on a daily basis, I feel the shit should be ground up and put in the drinking water. So, I didn't delay in getting her Plan B as soon as I got the computers turned on and the front gate opened.

Girl: Is it OK if I pay in ones?

I'm sure I pulled funny face, but I just couldn't help it. Plan B, the wonderful morning after pill, costs $50. This girl wanted to pay in singles. What line of work do you suppose she was in?

Most Wednesdays I work at my pharmacy all day. Open to close. 14 blessed hours.

The first episode occurred fairly early on in the day. This instance allows me to elucidate on a theory that I've been hypothesizing since the beginning of my pharmacy career. People who do crazy shit at the end of the day (i.e., 5 PM or later) may have just been having a bad day. People who do crazy shit at the beginning of the day (noon or earlier) are just fucking crazy. Or stoned. That's an ever-present possibility in the apothecary world.

A man approached the pick-up area of my pharmacy this morning around 10-ish. His appearance was slightly disheveled. Read: crazy.

Giggles: Do you have an Rx to pick up?
Crazy: No.

Just no. No explanation, no further elaboration, just no. Crazy continued to stand in front of the counter, wobbling a bit and emitting crazy rays to anyone in the surrounding area. I stood aghast.

Giggles stared at the creature until it decided to communicate further. It had a pair of reading glasses in it's hand, and was eying them as though they had just grown arms.

Crazy: The price musta gone up 2 or 3 times since I last looked! That's kinda fuckin' greedy!

Giggles' face dropped. That reaction was unnexpected, to say the least.

Our new creature wandered back to the eyeglasses display. At this point, both Giggles and I were watching raptly. It took the reading glasses it held and returned them to the display with an authoritative 'slam'. It began pulling other pairs, seemingly regardless of their strengths, off the display at random and quickly holding them up to it's eyes.

Crazy: No. Fuckin' greedy. No. Fuckin' greedy: NO! FU....

This carried on for less than a minute, but will stretch on into eternity in my mind. I think the Reading Glass Lunatic was looking for the magic pair of spectacles that would make it sane again. Just imagine it: you're in the pharmacy getting your birth control or cough medicine or whatever and suddenly this sodden oaf just starts tossing F-bombs and wrecking the merchandise. It's a toss up between calling the cops and just strangling the poor thing.

After playing optometrist for a good four minutes, Crazy just up and left. I wonder how it decided...

Pharmacy Relations

I don't know about you, but in my line of work, it's important to be happy.
-Raoul Duke

Contained herein is a set of instructions for the burgeoning pharmacist. Or, even an experienced one looking for guidance. A day in the life of a retail pharmacist is not easy at best and downright horrible at worst. Many of the hardships and difficulties a pharmacist encounters throughout his or her workday involve the patient/customer (depending upon how you look at them). This article is a guide on how to avoid them.

I sound like an asshole, right? I pose to you a question: When you enter a pharmacy, would you like to wait a short or long amount of time for your prescription? I think the answer is obvious. Then realize this: the more people I talk to throughout the day is directly proportional to how long your prescription takes to get filled. I propose a simple formula:

2x = t

x = the number of people in the store that engage me in conversation
t (minutes) = the amount of time it takes to fill your Rx

Now who's the asshole? That's right. The person that's asking me to find the mustache wax for them. I actually got asked that the other day. I tried to be polite, but I usually fail. On to the instructions...

1. Avoid all eye contact
Sounds easy, right? Wrong. The human eye is naturally drawn to movement and activity. Training yourself out of this goes against millions of years of evolution and is actually very difficult to do. However, after being surrounded by knuckle dragging troglodytes for 8-14 hours every day, you'll find yourself to be rather adept at it.

Avoiding eye contact keeps you disengaged from a potential threat. If you meet eyes with a person, you're acknowledging their presence. This is a mistake. It leads them to believe that you would like to engage them in conversation when in fact you don't even have time to void your bladder let alone tell them where the new Brittany Spears CD is.

2. Behave boorishly
Being rude is actually easier than it sounds. I guess it's a little like murder: it gets easier every time you do it. Whether it's an off color comment, suggestive hand gesture or outright insult you can be sure there's no easier way to dispatch an unwelcome assailant. Here's a few examples:

Patron: Where is (x)?
Me: (gesturing towards my name tag which states my title as pharmacist) I don't stock the shelves. I do not know where that is located.

Patron: The bathroom is out of toilet paper!
Me: (extending palm) Talk to the hand, bitch.

This next one is a classic. I call it The Finger, although it's not the one you're thinking of. I use it when people approach the consultation window (which is adjacent to my workstation) and interrupt me while I'm checking a script. They don't even greet me, or make an introduction, they just start of with their question as such:

Patron: So on TV the other day I saw this new weight loss thing...
At this point, I give them The Finger. I do not make eye contact, I do not speak to them, I merely extend my arm, then extend my index finger and say:
Me: I'm in the middle of something. Please be patient.

I absolutely love that last one. It puts most people off so much that they just walk away.

3. Hide
My workstation is at the front of the pharmacy next to the 'consultation' window. This means people can approach me and have direct contact if they so desire. However, there is a wall in front of me that is about 5 feet high. I've discovered that if i seat myself on a short stool in front of my computer that I'm mostly hidden from the milling crowds in front of the pharmacy. This becomes superior even to tactic number 1. If people don't see me, they can't bother me. Perfect. Other ways to hide are to go to the bathroom or leave the pharmacy and attempt to blend in with other patrons. Of course, you must first remove your lab coat or you're dead in the water. Come on, rookie.

4. Pretend to be on the phone
This one is a no brainer. Just keep that phone to your ear and pretend to yell at that insurance agent that you actually were yelling at a half hour ago.

5. Just ignore them
That's right. Sometimes all it takes is a simple denial of existence to alienate some asshole. Hey, for all they know, I could be deaf.

6. The bitch slap
Wind up, take aim, and deliver your pharmacy wrath right across that intruders cheek. Yell "Pow, biatch!" for full effect. Remember, this tactic can earn you a court date if not used with discretion.

7. The tech pick
Just like basketball. A quick dash behind one of your technicians will put them between you and the blue haired old lady who spends 4 minutes trying to say lisinopril.

There you have it. By choosing any one of these behaviors you can be sure that your next day at work will be a more productive one. These simple techniques are very effective in the pharmacy, but by no means need be restricted to there. They can be used in many everyday situations, from dealing with an annoying coworker to avoiding a friend or loved one. Use your imagination.

Fentanyl Fun

There was a guy at the gym tonight wearing cut-offs. Honest to christ cut-off jean shorts. I'm sure you know what's coming next, but I might as well say it. He also had a mustache. I started to wonder if I had mistakenly wandered onto the set of a porno instead of going to the gym like I normally do.

I heard about an unfortunate event at another pharmacy in a town not far from me in the Corpopharm grapevine the other day. A little background before I get to the point.

Fentanyl patches are a medication used to treat chronic pain conditions. Fentanyl is an opiate analgesic related to morphine. You put the patch on your body, and it delivers the medication slowly and steadily through your skin and eventually into your bloodstream. It's an effective way to relieve pain in people with varieties of maladies from cancer to nerve pain, but doesn't come without risks.

One of these risks is the potential for abuse. These patches are stolen from hospice patients and scavenged from garbage cans because they still contain a quantity of drug even after they have been used by the patient for therapeutic reasons. The remaining drug can be extracted by a variety of means and used for illicit purposes.

A Corpopharm in a neighboring town dispensed a months supply of these fentanyl patches to a woman a few weeks ago. After picking them up, she proceeded directly to the bathroom within the Corpopharm store. She locked herself in a stall, withdrew the fentanyl gel from one of her patches, and injected it directly into her arm. The amount of drug she gave herself was equivalent to a 3 days supply, all at once. A Corpopharm employee found her dead an hour later.

Next time you decide to try something new to get high, you might consider consulting with your pharmacist first.

Corpopharm Complaint Conundrum

Tonight, right before the pharmacy closed, I got a call from a guy who was checking on the status of his prescription. The prescription required a PA (prior authorization) before his insurance company would pay for it. We contacted the doctor, and their office faxed us back saying that the patient hadn't been seen for over a year, and they would need an appointment before they would do any paperwork blah blah blah.

I explained to the patient that he would need to see his doctor before they would do the PA. He was not pleased.

Guy: Why was I not notified of this?
Me: Your doctor didn't get ahold of you?
Guy: No! Why didn't you call me?
Me: On issues like this, we expect the patient to maintain communication with us and your doctor. We don't have time to call people every time we fill a script or get a rejection from the doctor's office, or we would be on the phone all day.

The guy argued with me for another few minutes in various forms of 'you should have called me'. I replied to every accusation with the same form of 'get off your ass and get involved in your medication therapy'. Eventually, he asked the eventual...

Guy: What's your supervisors number?
Me: *sigh*. For complaints, call 1-800...

Let me tell you how complaints work at Corpopharm. When you ask for the pharmacy manager, you get me. Nine times out of ten, I don't give a shit about your complaint because the problem is yours, not mine. If you ask for my supervisor, I give you an 800 number for our corporate office where complaints are supposed to be filed.

When you call the 800 number, you get a phone drone at a call center who does not give a shit. The phone drone logs the complaint and forwards it to my boss, who does not give a shit. Unfortunately for my boss, she must act like she gives a shit. She writes up an email, attaching the formal complaint that the phone drone wrote up, and sends it back to me. Who does not give a shit.

Right after I got done dealing with this guy, a prototypical little old lady brought me a script from her doctor that cost $40,000 for 21 days worth. That's not a typo. Her copay was $4,000. 4 Gs. 4 large.

I asked her if her doctor had discussed this with her before she left her appointment. I already knew the answer.

Little Old Lady: No!!! How could medication cost so much?!?

Medical care at it's best, people.