Spiffy Ruins Back, Discovers The Wonders of Drugs

I used to think I was invincible. Now I know better.

Although I still consider myself a superhero I now know that I've discovered my kryptonite. It is the Hammer Strength crunch machine, and it can be found at gyms across America. I've been using this particular piece of equipment for a few weeks without knowing that it was laying in wait to destroy me.

I was at the gym on Friday afternoon doing my usual workout. I did one set on the crunch machine without incident. It looks like a chair with holders for your ankles and handles above your shoulders right by your ears. You sit down, put your ankles in the holders and grasp the handles by your ears. You then do a crunch, lifting your knees and pulling down on the handles. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

I did my first set of 10 reps without incident, as I have for the last couple weeks. On the second set I felt a sharp pain in my lower back.

Spiffy: Ouch! Shit.

I attempt a second rep, and my back responds that it does not want to do a second rep by sending shooting pains up and down my spine.

I stood up and walked around the gym for a bit thinking that the worst was over. Oh, how wrong I was. I got in my car to drive home and a steady discomfort was mounting as I got closer. By the time I was home, it was apparent that standing up and walking was no longer an option for me. I made it up to my room and prostrated myself on the floor, finally achieving some measure of relief. After about 10 minutes I decided it was time to get out of my smelly gym clothes and attempted to sit up. My lower back informed me that it did not want me to sit up. Or move around at all, for that matter.

I was finally able to roll over and crawl around about 3 hours later. After enough crawling my back loosened up to the point that I was able to stand, in a fashion. Standing meant walking bent over, hands on knees so that the weight was not on my lower back. As it was my weekend to work, I decided it may be prudent to find a replacement since Spiffy the Gimp wouldn't be going into work tomorrow.

Once I retrieved my phone, I got back down on the floor as my back decided that my little foray into ambulation was at an end. I first called TheBoss.

Spiffy: Hi, TheBoss. I did something to my back at the gym tonight and can't walk. I doubt I'll be able to work tomorrow.
TheBoss: Oh, no! Well, have you talked to ThePartner yet? I guess that would be the first step, is to ask ThePartner if they can work tomorrow. Let me know what you find out.

My boss felt so bad for me that she decided to let me find a replacement for my shift. It's good to know that people care. Fortunately, ThePartner did sympathize with my situation and told me not to worry about the weekend, she would cover me. Apparently, she spread the news about my crippled ass around work because Giggles and Sassy both called within a half hour and asked if I was OK, and if there was anything they could do. Giggles even offered to come make me dinner and drag my broke-ass around if need be. The message here is that the higher-ups don't give a shit, but the people you work with every day actually do.

So, I made it downstairs and medicated myself with ethanol, convincing myself that I would be in better shape in the morning.

Wrong again. I called Don'tWorryAboutIt from my bed and asked him to take me to the hospital. The ER doc there didn't examine me (thanks) but did give me some scripts for Vicodin and Skelaxin (a pain medication and a muscle relaxer). The sad thing is that I could have just gone to work and walked out with handfuls of this shit, saving myself the ER bill. The good thing is that these drugs are great! I took one of each and spend the rest of the afternoon in a drug induced doze.

I guess now I can understand why the hop-heads at my pharmacy like these medications so much. I don't think I'll ever understand how they spend every waking moment calling me to see if they can have more, though.

I've also earned some new nicknames amongst my roommates. I'm now Grandpa Spiffy, Gimpy and Lurch. Thanks, fellas.