Don't Mess With Corpopharm

Every day, people walk into pharmacies across America and try to fill fake prescriptions.  What's a fake prescription?  It's a medication order that was written in the name of a physician by someone who is not that physician.  They're almost never a physician at all.  I'm sure you're asking yourself, 'Spiffy, why would someone do this?'  99 times out of 100, it's because they want a controlled substance (usually alprazolam or hydrocodone) and can't get a doctor to write them a prescription.  IE, a junkie trying to get their fix.  This is one of their stories.

As soon as I reported for duty last night my partner informed me that some fake scripts had been called in during the day. I asked him if he’d confirmed them with the doctor, and he said he had. I was a bit surprised. It’s pretty tough to get ahold of a doctor on any day, and most of them don’t work weekends. This particular doctor was at an urgent care facility that never closes. Rule number one for trying to call in fake scripts to the pharmacy: don’t imitate a doctor that I can contact with one phone call.

The doctor indeed verified that he had not called in the prescriptions, and no one at the facility had written them. This means that someone else entirely had called the scripts in to the pharmacy under the guise of being a physician. This is very illegal, and one of the best ways to piss off 1) the doctor and 2) the pharmacist. It’s illegal, it’s fraudulent, and it’s a HUGE waste of time for everyone involved. Plus, pharmacists hate junkies. Well, this pharmacist does.

The doctor agreed to help prosecute if we had the people arrested. As one of my technicians (Friendly) put it,

Friendly: Awww, Spiffy, it is ON!

If you want to make an arrest at the pharmacy for this sort of offense, here’s how it works. The alleged criminal usually calls in to the pharmacy before they come to pick up their fake scripts to make sure they are ready.  This is a pretty stupid mistake, because it prepares the pharmacy for their arrival. Once they call us, we call the to cops to let them know we would be needing their services within the next hour or so. Once the perpetrators arrive, the technician running the register stalls them out while another technician calls the police. The cops arrive, arrest the druggies, and the world is safe.

Last night worked out even more beautifully than we could have hoped. About a half hour before our fakers got the pharmacy, one of the front store employees witnessed a robbery and called the cops. A unit came down, and the officer was in back watching the security tape when the fakers arrived. That’s how dumb they were. There was a police cruiser in the parking lot, and they came inside anyway.

I actually happened to be the one to greet them at the register as my two techs were busy with people dropping off new prescriptions. I have to say, I wasn’t impressed. It was two older people of about 60 (I say older because they both looked about 80), both regular patients at the pharmacy. The guy even had an oxygen mask on. Picture that. Real hardcore criminals, these two. Just, uh, don’t forget to bring a spare oxygen tank on those extra long crime sprees. Christ.

I was pretty surprised because the guy had a bunch of scripts that were actually legitimate to pick up that we’d been working on the last few days. I pretended to go look for the scripts and winked at Friendly. These two criminal masterminds had picked about the worst time to show up. Friendly walked 50 feet to the back room where the policeman was watching our security tapes. It certainly was ON.

The actual arrest was pretty uneventful. The look on the couples face was fucking priceless, though. When the cops took them out of the pharmacy, it as about the saddest arrest in the history of arrests, I’m sure. The officers didn’t even bother to cuff them becase it was obvious they weren’t going to make a break for it. The old guy on his oxygen supply probably couldn’t break 2 MPH without wheezing and the old lady looked like she’d break a hip if she tried to juke left to avoid a tackle.

To me, the funniest part about the whole thing was that only one of them needed to come in to pick up the scripts. They had been called in in the old lady’s name, but that doesn’t mean that she had to be the one to pick them up. It did mean that she was already involved in the crime, so she should have been the obvious choice. Instead of just one going downtown they both got to spend the night in the clink. As far as I know, they’re still there. That’s rule number two. When attempting to fill fake prescriptions, bring as few accomplices as possible. Fewer people will get pinched that way.

Now, rule number three. As I stated above, the old lady was involved implicitly because they used her real name when calling in the scripts. It’s pretty tough to convince the district attorney that you weren’t involved when the scripts are in your name, Einstein.

Rule number four may be the most important. If you’re going to fill fake scripts, be sure to pay out of pocket for them instead of having them run through your insurance. Billing your insurance company for fraudulent prescriptions is, uh, fraud. Do you know anybody with larger litigation resources than insurance companies? I don’t. For whatever charges the doctor’s lawyer doesn’t level against you, the insurance company’s lawyers will. After they’re both through with you, the DEA gets a crack at you as well. You’re basically setting yourself up for a vicious gang rape by a gaggle of lawyers with no lube (not to mention no prayer).

So, there you have it. A perfect guide of what not to do when trying to illegally fill prescriptions. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. All the people that do try it are very stupid simply by virtue of the fact that they are attempting it (considering the legal ramifications involved). Stupid people are prone to make mistakes, especially concerning things they don’t know shit about. Like writing prescriptions. Feel free to give it a shot, but you’ll get caught. Just remember to lube up first.