My Partner Is Retarded

I have questioned it many times before, but now it's official.

I returned to my home pharmacy yesterday after being on holiday doing overnights. I was greeted by loving remarks and warm embraces from my technicians.

Smiley: Spiffy, you're dead to me.
Spiffy: Miss me, huh?

Apparently some of the floater pharmacists inhabiting my pharmacy have been less than desirable. Like it's my fault.

Anyway, my partner had some ground breaking news for me on the status of the CII counts. CIIs are a type of controlled substance that we keep a running inventory on to be sure that nothing goes missing. Federal law requires that a paper trail of each and every little pill is kept, so it's pretty easy to figure out when and where you went wrong, if you indeed did. My partner informed me that the counts were off by a few bottles on 2 different drugs and that she wasn't sure why. She stated that the inventory book showed a different quantity that what was actually on the shelf. I assured her I would look into it at the first opportunity.

Tonight I pulled the order records. Here's what I found:

1. In both instances, my partner ordered each drug herself.
2. In both instances, my partner signed for each drug when it arrived.
3. In both instances, my partner put the drug away herself in the CII cabinet.
4. In both instances, my partner was unable to perform rudimentary addition.

Welcome to Corpopharm.
_______________________________

A phone call from today with the concerned party requesting to speak to a pharmacist. They waited on hold 3 minutes.

Ohhold: Are you a pharmacist?
Spiffy: Yes.
Onhold: How much does this drug cost?
Spiffy: You know, any one of my technicians could have helped you with that.
Onhold: Your what?
Spiffy: *Sigh*. What medication is it?

Another call that requested to speak with a pharmacist:

Caller: What's on your four dollar list?
Spiffy: My what?
Caller: You know, your four dollar list?
Spiffy: No, I don't know.

I have to admit that I was playing dumb. Some pharmacies that are even more evil than Corpopharm have a big list of generic medications that they subsidize themselves and sell for four dollars for a month supply. Fortunately my particular chain doesn't participate in this farce. The person on the phone wanted to know everything that was on it. A stupid question gets you a stupid answer.

Caller: You mean you don't know anything about the four dollar list?
Spiffy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
*Click*

Spiffy Works Extra, Gets Paid Less

Last night should have been great. It wasn't. It started off pretty busy for a Thursday night, with about five people coming in all at once with urgent (!) scripts for 15 Vicodin. All from the same facility and doctor since it's 11:30 on the Thursday evening. How they all get out of the ER at the same time I don't know. They must discharge them in droves, like cattle. I can see it now: The triage nurse releases the hordes with their $500 bills and scripts for 15 little pain pills. She cries,

'To Corpopharm! It lies 5 blocks south of here. Make haste, you heathen whelps!'

One of the patients had an exception and needed Xopenex, which is albuterol but fancier and, consequently, not covered by her insurance. My tech was good enough to call the doctor to see if we could switch it to generic albuterol, which would be covered. The doctor replied that albuterol would not cut it and that the patient needed Duoneb, which is albuterol... plus another ingredient. WTF?!? I was tempted to get on the phone and ask doctor if he knew what the hell he was prescribing, but decided to get to work on the 4 other people that were growing restless and mugging me from the waiting area.

I finally got everybody taken care of and out the door by about 1 AM. The faithful Corpopharm herd gets paid on Thursday evening, so I got on my phone to check my direct deposit. I was really curious to see this paycheck because it covered the last 2 weeks of overnights that I worked. 14 days straight, tons of hours. This means it should have been BIG. It wasn't. It was about the same as most of my paychecks. I stopped at my normal pharmacy on my way home to get the pay stub to start the dispute. The pay stub was not there either. Cut to Corpopharm boardroom at corporate headquarters.

VP: Uh, sir? We've got this issue with one of the pharmacists in the field. He's pulling some major hours and really helping us out of a jam. We need you to approve his pay differential. You know, keep the guy happy.
CEO: Hmmmm....
VP: Sir?
CEO: What if we... don't?
VP: Sir? Don't what?
CEO: Give him the money. What then?
VP: But Sir, we can't...
CEO: Can't!?! I'm the CEO, I can do what I want!
VP: But Sir, he's got the pay stub and of course he'll...
CEO: Pay stub? (CEO pulls Spiffy's pay stub from the inner pocket of his suit. He produces a lighter and puts flame to the paper, instantly igniting it.) What pay stub?
VP: Ah! I see...
CEO: Let him take this up with HR. They're a third party located in Manila. They don't care anyway!
VP: HA! I don't even know where Manila is!
CEO: MWWAAAAAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Corpopharm Currency Conundrum

A man stopped into the pharmacy to pick up his medication at 5:00 this morning. He had one arm in a cast and sling, thus had to make some effort to fish the cash out of his wallet to pay for his script.

As I was making change for him, I had to break a role of pennies to get him a couple odd cents. I was in mid swing to break the role when he interjected.

Guy: I don't need the pennies.
Me: Oh, that's OK, I've already got the role broke open. Here you go.
Guy: No. I don't want the pennies. I'll take the silver coins, not the pennies.

Huh? Mind you, I had already put the two pennies with the rest of the change and was attempting to hand them to him. He looked at me like I was trying to hand him a dead baby instead of some change.

Me: But... I've already got them right here...
Guy: I don't care what you do with them, I don't want them.

I must have been missing something. The man did accept a nickel as part of his change, which was a mere 3 cents more than the 2 pennies he would not take. I wonder if I had turned the nickel into pennies if he would have accepted that.

This all comes 4 days after I started a change jar at the 24 hour Corpopharm I've been subbing at. They didn't have one, and people leave change laying around all the time. I would have put the pennies in that if one of the front store managers hadn't posted a big sign in the pharmacy after seeing the change jar. It reads:

'Team! We cannot have a change jar for change left at the register or lying around the store. The change must be rung up at the register as a non-taxable item and put in the cash drawer. Put the receipt under the drawer with the refunds. Please see me with questions. Thank you.'

Seriously?!? Apparently Corpopharm's policy on loose change is not finders-keepers, it's big brother breaks your legs and steals your piggy bank. I hate people a little bit more today. Just for that, I'm going to start stealing change from the register every night when I get bored. There's no one there to see me do it anyway.

Charles Darwin Was Terribly, Horribly Wrong

Darwin would be rolling in his grave if he were aware of the state of the modern world, for certain. A perfect example occurred today at my drive through. It's truly a miracle that some humans survive to adulthood. The greatest tragedy is that they often reproduce.

Lady: It won't hurt me if I swallow some of it, will it?

The question was legitimate. The woman in the drive through was receiving a prescription for viscous lidocaine, a topical anesthetic. Doctors often write scripts for viscous lidocaine to be mixed with equal parts water and gargled for sore throat. If you're too much of a baby to just put up with it, that is.

Me: It won't hurt you if you swallow a little. Just be sure to spit it out after you're done gargling.
Lady: Well, I'm just not sure about this gargling thing.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The grown woman receiving the script was unaware with the function of the gargle. I didn't even attempt to respond, I just stared at her. How the fuck? The way she stated it was that not only the physical mechanics of gargling were unfamiliar to her, but that the very definition of 'gargle' escaped her completely. I had no idea what to say or where to begin.

I must have just stared for a while, because eventually she just mumbled something and drove away. The part that's going to bother me most is whether or not she figured it out. I hope she has a dictionary at home.

Late Night Litany

The phone rings. I check the time. It's ten minutes until my relief arrives. I say a little prayer (only in foxholes) and pick up the receiver.

Me: Corpopharm, this is Spiffy.
Manic: Hey Spiffy, it's Jamie!

She paused for a minute. My mind started searching for any Jamie that I knew until I realized that this was one of those people who expected me to know them solely by their first name.

Me: What can I do for you?
Manic: Oh, hey babe! I just need some refills. I live down here in (town) but get all my medications there. These small town pharmacies, full of nosy people. I don't care what they think, you know? I really think...
Me: Ma'am, what's your last name?
Manic: Oh, gosh hon! I just need my normal refills. Last time it was like $120, now how do those things get so gosh darn expensive? I tell you what...

I could imagine her wildly gesticulating on the other end of the line, probably holding a cigarette and leaving tendrils of smoke in deranged patterns in the air. She would also be drinking coffee. At the rate she was speaking, she could have been banging down a few rails as well. At 6:45 am, most people aren't that stimulated. It took me a few minutes to get the information from her that I needed to refill her medication. By the time I did, she was so wound up again that she took off.

Manic: Say, sweetie, are you taking any vitamin D? You know that you people that work nights don't get enough sun right? Do they teach you kids that in pharmacy school these days? I'm real into vitamins and herbal supplements. I think we should take a more holistic approach to medication, sort of a east-meets-west mentality, you know? I think...
Spiffy: Ma'am? I have another phone call coming in.
Manic: Oh, jeez! Listen to me. Have a good holiday hon!

__________________________________

The work force crisis continues at Corpopharm. For the last week and a half, I've been working overnight at a Corpopharm that just lost one of their night people. The conversation with TheBoss went something like this:

TheBoss: Spiffy, we need some coverage over night at the 72nd store for 2 weeks. Can you help us?
Spiffy: I'm not comfortable being away from my pharmacy for that long. Who else can you get?
TheBoss: There's no one else.
Spiffy: Well, that sounds about right.

You can all feel comfortable knowing that one of the largest, most wealthy corporations in the United States has such poor staffing policy that they wait until 1 week before the shit hits the fan to find a solution. You don't need your medication anyway, right?

Working overnight does have it's benefits.

1. The drunks. If you see a drunk during the daytime, it's a little depressing because they've probably got a drinking problem. If you see them at night, well, it's a party!

2. Workload: nonexistent. I've watched a few movies. Usually at least one every night.

3. Reduced stress level. This is directly related to workload.

4. Doctors, insurance companies, and most other pharmacies are closed. Want me to call your doctor for a refill? Tough shit, do it yourself.

5. The crazies. It's true that they come out at night. Whether it's street corner gospel or paranoid delusional, you can be sure you'll be entertained.

6. The music. Corpopharm plays the same loop of shitty music day in, day out. With no people to talk to, I just listen to my ipod all night.

Bar Triathalon

So here's what you do:

1. 1 shot Jägermeister
2. 1 Irish Car Bomb
3. 1 Pint Miller Lite

You and your dumbest friends each receive the above list. You all start drinking at the same time in the above mentioned order. The last person to finish the series buys the round. Just think of it as a get retarded-o-thon.

This event is known as the Bar Triathlon. It is not for the faint at heart.

This weekend myself, Don'tworryaboutit and Dr. Warner tackled the Bar Triathlon with gusto. It might not have been so bad if we hadn't just been to a 4 beer happy hour and it was only about 7:30 PM. Needless to say, by midnight the memories began to grow dim.

Amnesia aside, I have to say I found the Bar Triathlon very enjoyable. I was able to show off my chugging prowess while getting 3 free drinks. That's a win-win in my book. If anyone out there ever wants to challenge me, feel free. Just know this: you will lose.

Sexy Offender

So the posts have dried up lately. Working at Corpopharm for 60 hours per week saps my creative energy and makes it hard to see the humor in it. My district has gone to shit lately (again) do to my fellow pharmacists getting fired or quitting. That much fun can make you numb.

One thing from tonight definitely broke the monotony for a few minutes. About a half hour before close some guy brought in a new script for his poison ivy. Poison ivy is a gold mine for pharmacies during the summer. I live in the middle of the city, but people still manage to find it.

As I was entering his Rx into the computer, he started a conversation with me that went a little something like this. Background: English is his second language, and he doesn't yet have a full grasp of it.

Guy: So, have you heard about the sexy offender in neighborhood?
Me: (pause) What?
Guy: Yes! There is man in neighborhood that out late at night and he take out his...
Me (interupting): Oh!! You mean a sex offender.
Guy: There difference?
Me: YES! Yes, there is a very big difference. Just make sure you say sex offender from now on, not sexy offender. OK?
Guy: I still learning (laughs).

I'm hoping that he was able to take something away from our conversation.