Tom Cruise Needs Your Love

I haven't heard anyone else talking about this, but Jesus, it sure does seem like Tom Cruise is trying to pry his crazy little way back into the hearts of the American public.  Lord knows why.  Probably money.  A raging cocaine habit can be expensive, folks.

Over the last few days, I've been seeing trailers on TV for Scientology's (yeah, I'll dignify it with capitalization) best spokesman's newest film, Valkyrie.  I don't much care for the idiot box myself, but it's in front of me when I'm on the treadmill at the gym, so I watch.  Pretty moving colors are hard to look away from.

As you all know, Tom is one of the most well known American actors of our era.  As you also well know, over the last few years he's been starting to look crazier than a rat in a tin shit house.  A few fabulous examples come to mind.

1.  Tom goes on Oprah (Satan).  Tom assaults Oprah while jumping on her furniture.

2.  Tom calls Matt Lauer "glib" during an interview in 2005 where the two debate the relative merits of psychiatry and psychiatric pharmacotherapy.  Cruise states, "You don't know the history of psychiatry.  I do."

3.  Tom has an interview with David Letterman.  He cannot stop laughing at his own story.

Did I mention Tom Cruise is a scientologist?  If you're not already aware of how crazy those freaks are, please read the wiki on it.  

With all this bad press flying around about you, it must be awfully difficult to get a job.  No way, you're thinking.  People would go see a Tom Cruise movie even if all he was doing was mowing his lawn.  Wrong.  You've got to remember that the movie biz is a fickle one, and Mom isn't going to take her kids to the movie starring the crazy ass actor who just murdalized Oprah.  

So, Tom decides he needs a turnaround.  A new beginning.  A resurrection, so to speak.

From what I can derive from the trailer, the basic premise of Valkyrie is this:

Tom Cruise kills Hitler.

That's it.  But Jesus, how much more self righteous can this asshole get?  He might as just sit down in front of a camera and say:

America, I'm sorry.  I know I've been acting like a crazy asshole for the last few years.  Listen, you don't know what it's like to be a wealthy celebrity.  After so many years, parties with endless mountains of cocaine and strippers just isn't enough any more.  Moreover, limitless cash and public adoration start to seem bland after you've conned thousands of people into false religion and stolen them from their family and friends.  Trust me, I've done it.

Listen, I'm here to say that I now realize what I've done.  I was temporarily blinded by my status, and I realize that I owe you something in return.  So, here it is: I'm going to kill Hitler.  That's right, that big bad boogey man from WWII.  On December 25, I'm going to kill Hitler on the big screen in front of millions of Americans.  This will simultaneously reverse the Holocaust and be the best birthday present that Jesus ever received.  Do you love me again?

You've got to give it to him, it's pretty crafty.  What better way to curry favor with America than to kill the least popular villain in current history as a birthday present to Jesus?