Yesterday Morning

Yesterday morning I was wandering around the house doing my normal after work routine when the doorbell rang. Normally, I never answer the door. Anyone who has to ring the doorbell at my house has no business entering. Yesterday, I was feeling feisty. I opened the door.

Old Lady: Hello! My name is Gladys, and I'm here from the church off...

Her spiel ended nearly as quickly as it started. If you've ever interacted with a door-to-door religious zealot, you know those crafty fuckers fire it up as soon as they hear the door knob turn. Once her eyes broke from mine, she lost her train of thought and just sort of gaped for a second. Trying to see it from her perspective, I wouldn't blame her. I was wearing shorts and nothing else. I had a glass of whiskey (Baker's(neat)) in my hand. I have many tattoos.

Me: Good morning! Are you recruiting?

Old Lady: I, uhhhhh...

At this point, I started to feel bad about answering the door. Picture the situation. This self satisfied retiree gets up early and dons her summer appropriate flower pattern dress. Dog eared bible in hand, she sets out upon the local neighborhood to locate prospective congregation members. What does she find? Some young, tattooed, whiskey drinking miscreant who is more inclined to curse her off his porch than he is to tithe to the lord. I decided terrorizing her would be a lowly form of entertainment.

Me: Thanks for stopping by! I already belong to the church up the street (a blatant lie, but she would have taken any excuse up to and including I was a devout muslim).

Old Lady: Of course! Have a nice day!

She scampered away. I only hope I didn't injure her ideal version of the American Dream.